I'm Definitely Crazy

So this is the contest winning description I wrote for... something? Nobody really knows what it is, so... yeah.

But if you don't believe me, go look for yourself.

http://www.kgrt.com/contest.php

Anyways, here's my description.


It's a punching bag, used in the Greco-Roman period (Circa 10 B.C.- 52 A.D.)
to train fighting Syrian Aadrvarks. In detail, it was often tied to a
fast moving chariot, after which the Aardvarks must chase, only to be caught
up by the very UFO that crashlanded a millenium and a half later in Roswell,
NM. It was meant to increase agility. Unfortunately, it took the Romans
about 157 cubits and 4 ticks on the sundial before they realized that the
aliens weren't going to bring it back. That's the real reason Brutus
stabbed Julius Caesar. Then the aliens experimented on the package for a few
hundred years. Somehow it ended up in Great Britain, and became pierced by a
sword. Nobody could remove the sword, and in history, it has been confused
with a rock (old english didn't really have a word for "Whatchamacallit.")
Then, a young boy named Arthur pulled it from the rock one day, and
apparently every went bonkers over the fact that he had pulled
it out, so they made him king. In the confusion, the aliens managed to
abduct it again. Fast tracking to 1492, Columbus discovered it floating in
the water nearby his ship, the Santa Maria. He picked it up, and found that
it had a certain magical effect, somehow drawing them to India, or as we
know now, America. Not 30 minutes later, the lookout spotted land. Nobody
knows how the aliens got it this time. A few hundred years later, the
CIA found the package aboard the UFO. It was in Area 51, until Bigfoot
escaped with it last year. The whereabouts were unknown until KGRT found it
in their closet, not knowing what it was they held a contest. I'm sure they
didn't expect that they'd get this guess, assuming they read this far.


Crazy, right? Yeah, I have too much free time, oh well.

There's a hole in the bottom of the sea? (Constant Digression)

Who comes up with these kid's songs?

Honestly, why would anyone take the time to psychologically invent a chasm in the bottom of the sea, and then randomly decide to write a children's song about it? Do we need to sing about people putting random items into this abyss? Reminds me of "Kidz Bop."

Put succinctly as the YouTube personality Nigahiga says, "Now you can listen to all of the popular songs you hate sung by kinds who make it even worse!" Why do they try? Is there a margin of 1 million "kidz" who buy these, forcing them to produce, what 24 of these "records?"

Kinda like Miley Cyrus. I mean, why does she even try? We all know she doesn't write her own music, so why not hire somebody with a good voice to sing it? I wonder if she is in cahoots with those "Kidz."

Which brings me to my next point. Why does anybody try?

We all know that somebody is going to bash us behind our back for anything we do, so why do we try so hard?
You can beat me, blackjack me, throw me into a meatgrinder, and the fact that my arm is missing would grieve me just a bit, but other than that, I'd be trying not to care. Right.

Reminds me of Kanye, you know, "How could you be so heartless?"

Who invented shuttershades? How incredibly impractical can you make simple appliances to reduce sunlight damage to your eyes? Like Aviators. Pilots can't fly with sunglasses! Unless they're our boy Jamie Bond. But even then, the only person who would fall for it would be the strange foreign girl he's... anyways.